True Love is Different: How Intimate Relationships Teach us To Accept Diversity
Relationships can be messy. Challenging. Triggering. Confusing. But they don’t have to be. And many of the challenges that seem insurmountable possess the exact ingredients we need for true growth if we are able to allow it and detach a bit from our ego trying to get its own way.
Despite how deep the connection and the love in our relationship is, despite how well we might communicate, be attuned to our partner, or even possess the ability to read their mind — the fact remains that they are a universe unto themselves, complete with their own set of laws of the land. The similarities and connectedness in our relationships keep us feeling engaged, loved, and understood. But it is the differences between ourselves and our partners where we can truly experience our edge and our growth.
If we are not conscious, we can make the mistake of judging our partners for the same differences that likely attracted us to them in the first place. We might think that because love and connection and intimacy are present, that we inherently understand our partners — and that they will automatically make the same choices and hold the same values that we do. And we might be extremely disappointed when they don’t and hold them to standards that work for us, but likely don’t work for them. We all have certain assumptions about how life is supposed to work — and ways, both conscious and unconscious — of handling what life throws at us.
One of the beautiful things about intimacy is the opportunity it gives us to see and examine patterns in ourselves, patterns we might never have thought twice about. We can observe our partner approaching certain situations differently than we do, and if we can stay in a place of discernment, this can be an opportunity to learn, rather than make snap judgments about how they are approaching life. Possessing increased awareness, we can make a more conscious decision about how we might wish to proceed in the future. This is just one way that our partner’s differences can help open us up to new ways of experiencing life.
Being open instead of convinced that we are right, is one of the most important aspects of learning from the differences in an intimate relationship. Listening, too, is vital. We might think we know everything about our partner and how he or she sees the world, but there are many times we are simply assuming that. Each person possesses such a vast depth of perspectives and experiences we would likely be in awe if even some of these were presented to us. And in an intimate relationship, we have the unique opportunity to view the glimmering expanse of our lover’s soul. Receiving the messages in the heavens of our partner’s being can open us up in ways nothing else can.
Even accepting seemingly mundane preferences can be room for growth. He likes beer and football and hanging out with his buddies; she likes champagne, long drives in the country, and the theater. These people don’t have to enjoy the same things — or try and force one another to have similar hobbies or pastimes. But by accepting one another with consideration and warmth, by not trying to impose on one another, these people have the opportunity to feel what it is to accept the differences, and the diversity, in other human beings.
It might be challenging to accept even these superficial differences. It might rub our egos the wrong way, and we might be inclined to try and control things by making everything outside of us attuned to our own inner world so we don’t have to experience discomfort. But when we can accept the challenge of being in our own world, while simultaneously realizing there are other worlds that exist — in each human we encounter — that are no less real or valid, we have the opportunity to experience true diversity. When we can open up to things about others that we might not even understand, we open up to our own growth and healing in profound ways. When we can stretch and grow in our intimate relationships to accept and love the differences as well as the similarities, it gives us the flexibility to use these muscles in other parts of our lives, to become more tolerant of others. And that is what Love is truly all about.
